What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
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Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
Good morning, Twitter x
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
Anyone want a chair?
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?