“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
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It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
had to make it
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?