*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
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My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.