I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
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IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Greeting humans vs their dogs
Always a metermaid never a meter
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re