When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
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*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
I know karate and tons of other words.
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children