Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
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[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher