*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
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*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
🍞🦆
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.