work smarter, not harder
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I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
Not messing around
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
Constantly torn between “Let’s automate it, it will save time!” and “I’ve spent 3 days automating a 30 minutes task”
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.