Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
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demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
Stop it! 😂
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.