My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
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Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.