Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
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I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
This can never not be funny 😭😭
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
the #horror is real!
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.