Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
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My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.