Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
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“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”