i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
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Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*