Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
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I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.