I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
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Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
choose your fighter
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.