Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
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Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious