My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
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What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
Doug is just Canadian for dog
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again