I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
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The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?