[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
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*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
mom gave me mine for free
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
wife: be careful climbing that ladder, it looks dangerous
me: hey, danger’s my middle name
daughter: WHAT?!?
son: SERIOUSLY?!? And I got stuck with Andrew???
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.