There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
You Might Also Like
🤣🤣
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*