Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
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I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
The happy life.. 😊
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious