Duck typos.
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Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
I want this so bad
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella