“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
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*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
The fall of Netflix
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?