[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
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Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
Seductively sings in Klingon.
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
I’ve had worse
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
This dude got his own movie?