On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
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[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
When you let grandma cat sit
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
this is funnier than any friends episode
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.