Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
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SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.