her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
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“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
me refusing to leave twitter
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there