I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
You Might Also Like
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
My patience has stretch marks.
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer