[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
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My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.