Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
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“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
i made a craigslist ad !
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.