My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
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Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
I love twitter
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan