[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
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Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play