a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
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me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
“You’d better run, egg!”
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you