Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
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“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
That’s easy for you to say
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
Best misinterpreted text ever!
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
Still cracks me up
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
I’m being attacked 😭
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.