“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
You Might Also Like
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
dream blunt rotation
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain