You Might Also Like
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
no
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.