Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! π
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When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
I know it sounds mean but when Iβm mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry βmy wayβ.
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I havenβt done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
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coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Factβ’ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that βleg day.β
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.