Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
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Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝