Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
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You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.