I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
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*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran