Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
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me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*