You Might Also Like
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick