[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
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“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
you gotta be faster
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.