I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
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Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
Sell your car
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
Cndnsd Mlk
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker