It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
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“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
💯😂
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
#winning
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
A French press is when you hug naked
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition