When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
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Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。