Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
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I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):