As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
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Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.