MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
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Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
*skinny dips into black hole
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong